CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 3 - Jake

So, I went to meet up with Wes and friends at Morning Bar.  He had earlier told me that we would go to Jezebel's, because he was taking out a client and he thought it would be a good idea to go to a strip club (even though it was a female client).  Sounded like a plan to me.  Meet up at Morning Bar and let's do this.

It was freaking cold.

I stop at the ATM on 18th and Spruce before going, since, you know, you need cash for a strip club.  The ATM asks me all the standard questions about what I want to do, then it kicks out my card saying it's invalid.  What's the deal there?   I go a little further, this time to the ATM on 19th and Walnut and the same thing happens, after I finally get done waiting for some chick to finish up there.  I go across the street one more time, have to instruct some old couple how to use the ATM, and then while I'm waiting for them to finish, I finally look at my card and realize it expired last month.  Shit.

I headed over to Morning Bar finally, and it takes a good five minutes to warm up.   It's on the second floor, which provides a nice view of the street below from its windows. A very narrow place, the bar on one side, tables lining the windows on the other side. I relay to Wes what happened, he gave me the requisite "Oh, that sucks" response, and we move on.

It's Wes and a bunch of other people from his company and their client (the aforementioned female who may have interest in going to Jezebel's) and some older dude from another company named Aaron.  Two guys Wes works with who I've met before (Fred and Jorge) are also there.

It quickly becomes a running joke (which I'm sure it already was before I got there) that even though Jorge is from Argentina, everyone just names a Latin American country to say he's from, since, you know, they're all the same anyway.

We had the same waitress I often have at Morning Bar, this cute little brunette.  I don't know her name.  Maybe I'll ask one day, but probably not.

At some point Wes and I both do a literal double take when a new, beautiful (from behind, at least) girl walks by, with jeans that were ridiculously tight and low-sitting enough to make it clear that she probably wasn't wearing any underwear underneath.  And she had a very nice ass.  By the second time she walked by I realized I'd spend about a total of thirty seconds staring at her ass and zero seconds seeing her face.  Oops.  Wes' female client (what was her name?  I don't remember) made a comment about us staring, but I don't think she was upset, I think she was laughing.

The people next to us apparently ordered pizza and then disappeared, because it's just sitting there.  Wes goes and grabs a slice even though he had just ordered his own pizza.  And then he grabs another.  It's pretty clear that no one's coming back any time soon.

A little later, a bunch of people do show up and start going for the pizza.  We're not sure if it's theirs or if they've been eying it like Wes was.  So, the female client runs over and yells "HEY, that's OUR pizza!"  which immediately gets a reaction.  I think she leaves it with "You guys can have some".

Somehow the conversation turns to something a few of us saw on TV where some guy at a bar punched a girl in the face.  Half the group had seen it, half hadn't.  Jorge is demonstrating what it looked like by pretending to punch their female client in the face.  He says, "Man, if I did that for real, I'd be off your account so fast".

I reply, "Dude, if you did that, they'd deport your ass back to Mexico City".  Everyone laughs, but Wes especially loses his shit and can't talk for a good three minutes afterward.

To celebrate the hilarity of my joke, I ask if everyone wants to do a shot of tequila, in honor of Jorge.  They say sure.  I call the waitress over and order six shots.  She asks if I have a preference and starts listing what they have.  I say "Just bring the cheapest one you have, these guys won't know the difference.  I mean, I will, though, because I'm classy".  I say this just to her, as we're at one of those stand-up high tables on the same side of the room as the bar and she's behind me and no one else can hear.  She asks if I want them chilled, Wes hears this and says "Yea, definitely".

The shots come, we cheers to something I don't remember.  Everyone says the shot was tasty.  Oh well.

It's at this point where I notice a hot girl and her not so great looking friend have sat down at the table right near us.  The hot one is drinking wine.  I make eye contact with the hot one a few times over the next ten minutes.  Wes notices her, too, and we start talking about her.  She's thin, smallish, her face has a bit of a flat shape, but in a good way and it's very very easy to look at.  Dirty blond / light brown hair, I can't really tell in this light.  But, it's straight and long, past her shoulders.

At some point I go over to their table and ask if she's my friend "Ann".  She says "No, my name's Jill, why?"  I explain that I was supposed to meet someone named "Ann" here and that the only way she described herself was to say that she would be the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, so I just figured you must be her.  I could tell she loved this.  Her friend laughed.

I introduced myself to her and her friend ("Karen") and tried to talk to both of them simultaneously.  One key mistake I've seen guys make while talking to a girl at a bar is to ignore their not good looking friend.  You can't let the friend get bored or they're going to leave and then that's that.

I notice that the friend thinks Wes is hot, so I call him over and get him to start talking to her.  Wes has a girlfriend, so he won't do anything, but he'll be good for some conversation / distraction.

While I'm talking to Jill, I catch her thinking back to some guy yelling at her.  It quickly comes to my realization that she just got out of some verbally abusive relationship (I can't tell if it went further than that) and she's pretty hesitant about talking to a guy so soon after.  I feel bad about hitting on her, so I figure I'll take it easy and just have a nice conversation.

I'm not really paying attention to what Wes and Karen are saying, so when Wes says "Right, Jake?" I'm caught off guard.  Wes repeats what he must have said right before that, which was, "You just quit your job so you can travel the world solving mysteries, right?"

I laugh and say "Yea, that's the truth, I just haven't gotten around to leaving Philadelphia yet".  It is somewhat true.  I did just quit my job, and an over-dependence on watching TV as a kid has produced in me an idea that if you're unemployed you can just get yourself into various hijinks by traveling from town to town helping people.

Jill says that sounds fun, she's kind of tied down by her job.  I ask her what that is, and she explains that she works as an accountant for some small company around here.  I say that doesn't sound tied down, but it comes out wrong and sounds condescending.   And she seems to think of it that way.  I try to quickly recover but it doesn't go well from there.  Jill announces that they have to get going, even though Karen seems like she still wants to keep talking to Wes.  I'm sad when I realize that the thought that keeps coming into Jill's head now is of the guy she just broke up with saying something bad about her job and now she's relating what I said to that.

We say goodbye, it was nice meeting you, etc, but Jill's heart isn't in it, and they leave.

I go back to our table, where Wes' pizza has arrived and is mostly eaten.  Jorge is trying to light a slice of pizza on fire in the candle, Aaron keeps asking me questions about the Giants (he apparently lives in Dallas but hates the Cowboys).  When suddenly I hear something resembling a woman screaming.  I ask if anyone else just heard that but when they look at me like I was nuts, I realize it was in my head and not out loud.  I tell Wes to come with me and we run for the stairs that go down to street level.

When we get downstairs, there's a situation in front of us that becomes pretty clear (to me, at least) right away.  Jill's boyfriend found out where she was going and he was outside smoking a cigarette when she got outside and they started arguing.  He's drunk and he's trying to kiss her and he's grabbing at her and she says he's hurting her, while Karen fights off his friend who keeps saying "This is between them, stay out of it" while holding her back.

I immediately grow a pair and say, "Yo dude, she clearly doesn't want to talk to you, why don't you go home?"  He gives me a death stare.

The boyfriend says "Why don't you fuck off before I beat your ass?"  He probably could, too.  I'm not the best fighter and this guy's probably like 6'3" and 210.   I don't register any coherent thoughts from him (big surprise).

I say "Naa, I came out here to smoke a cigarette, but I just realized I don't have any right now, so maybe I'll take in the show instead.  I kind of showed up in the middle here, though, let me make sure I have the characters straight - she's the damsel in distress, you're the asshole ex-boyfriend, and this is your new lover" I say while gesturing toward his goofy looking fat friend.

The ex lets go of Jill and starts making a move in my direction while Fatty lets go of Karen.  As soon as the ex pushes me with both hands to my chest, Wes swings and catches him right in the jaw.  It's at this point when I catch the thoughts of a bunch of people upstairs in Morning Bar apparently watching this unfold.  I realize I got distracted by it for a second, because the ex and Wes are already locked up as the fat fuck is walking over.

Luckily, I still have my beer in my hand which I break on the wall and hold in Fatty's direction.  Jill's got her mouth covered with one hand and she's grabbing for Karen with the other.  I tell them to just get out of here while they can, but before the word "can" can come out of my mouth I have a meaty fist hitting me in the side of my head.  I'm so easily distracted.  I'm down on the ground, I've dropped the bottle and I'm getting kicked in my ribs.  I start laughing between coughing up a little blood.

Fatty asks me why I'm laughing and I say I'm just happy he decided to kick me, because my immediate reaction when I went to the ground was to think that he was going to give me the Earthquake Splash and jump on top of me.  He kicks me again but I just keep laughing.

I look over quickly and see that Wes and the other guy are still locked up - doesn't look like anyone's getting any punches off.  It's too bad this is a weeknight, because otherwise this street would be crawling with bouncers.

I grab the next kick and a shard of broken glass that's nearby from the bottle I broke and dig the glass into his plump ankle.  The fat fuck loses his balance trying to stand on one foot while grabbing for his ankle.  Once he's down I get on top of him and get Ex's attention.  I tell him to break off the fight with Wes or I'm going to carve my name in Fatty's face.  I catch a flash of fear from Ex and realize it's because I look like I'm nuts here, with my face bloody, sitting on his friend's chest and as much of an asshole that he is, he actually gives a shit about his fat friend.  He says "Ok, ok".  I tell him to walk across the street and wait over there and hail a cab, and once he's in the cab, I'll let his friend up to join him and then they should just get the fuck out of here.  He complies and while he's getting a cab I catch glimpses of fear and hate from Jill.  This wasn't the way to win her over.  Fatty gets up and limps over to the cab and gets in.  They drive off.

Jill and Karen just stare at me and Wes.  The people upstairs are still staring, but I don't think anyone called the cops.  For how much happened, I think it was all less than a minute or two.  I say "Jill, I -"  but before I say anything else she says "We're leaving, go back inside and maybe you'll find some other guy to fight".  She turns her back and the two of them leave while Wes and I sit on the sidewalk, worn out.